This Saturday morning I woke up with a new song in my heart, quickly grabbed my mobile phone and switched on the recorder before the notes drifted away. I leaned over to check if my pen and notepad were still on the floor besides the bed but there was nothing there, so I rushed up to grab them from my desk in my den.
I spent the next few minutes writing the words and recording this song on my phone so that I could build on it later on. The words kept on flowing and ideas for different inflections on the notes popped into my mind too. In my head I could hear all the different instruments that would accompany coming together to create a beautiful harmonic backdrop for these simple words.
"I love you more", the worship song is called, and in my mind's eye I could see myself as part of a Jazz quartet set singing this song in worship to God, with an audience of people dressed in black ties and elegant evening wear. I envisioned myself ministering to this elite group of people and just for a while as the jazzy tones of worship filled the auditorium, they forgot who they were and we worshipped together in one accord, it was such a beautiful experience.
At times like this I am left with a great feeling of frustration because I have no outlet for my voice. No microphone. No musicians. No studio. No people.
I have always preferred to sing with a live band because it's more organic, not restrictive like a backing track and with prophetic worship you need that flexibility. I don't know how to pull together all the resources that I need to get the music on the inside translated to the outside. To be honest, I just don't like to talk about it anymore because it's very personal and makes me feel extremely vulnerable, so it has gradually become the big pink polka dot elephant in the room with the curly afro.
What triggered me to write this post was something that my eldest son said to me the other day while we were skyping, he was telling me about the vision for his ministry project that he's currently working on. He said something like "Mum you should just focus everything on doing your singing instead of wasting your time doing anything else". It hit me like a tonne of bricks because,
1) He had recognised what my one true passion is
2) I am secretly dying on the inside because I put my singing on the back burner
3) I feel that it's already too late to try again.
Sometimes we have to put our dreams on hold for one reason or the other, but nothing can ever suppress or compensate the feeling of knowing that you are not operating in your calling.
I have gone through this process of writing songs several times over the years, since I gave my life to Christ, with God also showing me different scenarios playing out each time which has carefully been locked away in my spiritman. I remember the first song I ever wrote all those years ago, how I found the courage a few days later to stand up in church to sing it in front of the congregation and what a blessing it turned out to be, but that was about 30 years ago.
Now all this time later, having had the opportunity to work on a professional level with some of the most gifted and talented singers and musicians that the UK music and gospel industry has to offer, my passion still burns strong but with a heightened spirit of excellence. I have contributed to other people's projects and visions but my heart is extremely expectant that one day I will get to birth the songs that God has laid in my heart too.
I am not looking to become a pop star with a record deal but just want to usher people into the presence of God.
Singing is my life. Worship is my calling.
"Out of all the things I am, everything I hope to be
If you look into my heart, there's a worshipper in me"
- Marvin Sapp (Worshipper In Me)